(Sort of) Going to Church Together

Even though I had been sitting there for 30 minutes, it didn't hit me until just before stake conference started this morning that Jamesson would be attending the same conference.

Of course you know what came next - the tears.

I've been so pre-occupied with you-know-who that often I hear just some or even part of the announcements in Sacramento meeting, which must have been the case last week when they probably mentioned that today would be a regional stake conference broadcast.

So Jamesson and I got to hear the same talks and sing the same songs at the same time.

But little does he know that Bailey ripped one during the opening prayer.

I Need a Fix

Often I turn to chocolate.

Others turn to pharmaceuticals.

Some people drink themselves into oblivion.

The list of vices is long.

I've discovered a combination, maybe The Perfect Combination, that keeps me from losing my mind.

My magic-in-a-drive-thru: Kneader's 1/2 of a turkey sandwich, side of chicken noodle soup, and (not one but) two chocolate chip cookies. Without a bi-weekly (if not weekly) trip, I would never be able to retract my claws and function.

Maybe I Don't Hate It

I hate that tomorrow is September 1.

I LOATHE this time of year.

To me fall is just rushing us in to winter.

It's just a corridor leading me to freezing temperatures and leaf-less trees.

But I'm finding myself enjoying the cooler temperatures.

I daydream about the fall decorations that I'm going to put on my front porch.

And I'm thinking about soup recipes. A LOT. (clam chowder, enchilada - that I'm going to make up myself, and chicken chili just to name a few)

So this year I'm going to turn over a new leaf

that's crumpling and turning brown

that's going to be raked in to a pile and will either be thrown in the trash or... burned.

Back to School Blahs

It took two thirds of the summer, but I was really happy with the cohesive-ness I was feeling between the kids and I just before they went back to school.

Sure, they still bickered.

But we had settled in to a great routine. Chores. Help mom with the baby. Watch baby so mom could do chores. Play.

It worked and we were comfy.

And then it happened.

School.

It only took two days and I lost all ground.

(sigh) Don't get me started on the back to school clutter.

Coming Soon

Two weeks ago I decided that I was ready to officially and commitedly return to Just Jess.

The next day our internet went down and stayed down for 2 weeks.

I'm trying to convince myself that it wasn't a sign.

What's in a Name?

When Maddie and Isaac were young, I never referred to myself (or let anyone else refer to me) as 'Mommy'. I was 'Momma' or 'Mom'.

Even when Maddie went through that phase when she was 2-3 of calling us by our first names, I much preferred 'Jess' to 'Mommy'. Boy did it drive her daddy crazy when she called him David.

There are obviously many, many differences between my babies then and my baby now.

But one thing now is for sure: I am Bailey's mommy.

The Night I Ripped His Heart Out

Do you ever (on those rare occasions that the remote is in YOUR hand) put on a show that you KNOW your husband is going to object to?

I do. Just to test how long it takes for him to pitch a fit.

But he didn't the other night when I turned on Steal Magnolias during the Christmas party scene, just as Shelby is announcing her pregnancy. David had never seen it, and decided to play along.

He had missed all the character building, so I had to explain the friendships and the close mother-daughter relationship Shelby and Malin have.

He watched.

I, of course, was fighting tears from the get-go. But I didn't warn him.

I didn't prepare him...

So as the family is gathered in the hospital around the life-less Shelby, in a child-like voice David asks "what's he signing?".

(I didn't answer)

Then in that same, innocent voice "they're going to let her... die?"

But then he turned back in to a man "stupid movie".

A Bit of a Vent

What would reunite Just Jess with the blogging world?

Details from our fun spring break?

Sharing the magical moments of Bailey's birth? (oh SO magical)

Nope.

We're going to play "Let's Pretend".

Let's pretend Just Jess had a good week, and that it was quiet and uneventful, and that everything went as planned.

Nothing was broken. No one flaked. No decisions to be made.

The weird thing about this week is: it wasn't completely disastrous. There were some highs. But there was just enough *bleh* that the only food I can get down is chocolate, and I'm pretty sure that my eyebrows are in a permanent scowl.

Let's check in again tomorrow. I'm going eat a bunch of comfort food and shop away the blues.

Keep your fingers crossed that it works.

Today?

If this baby is truly one of us, she'll arrive today.

On my side of the family, we are SO co-dependent that we are born on each other's birthdays and anniversaries - a couple of dates are even tripled up.

Even the in-laws who marry in follow suit: David and my aunt Jewels share a birthdate of December 12; Alonso shares March 5 with my dad and Grandma F.; Melissa's birthday, Abby's birthday and my anniversary all fall on April 14; and potential in-law, Heidi, shares November 29 with me - which is also my aunt and uncle's anniversary.

Just to name a few.

As today would have been Grampa's birthday, it's a very appropriate day for the baby to arrive.

But - let's face it, this is me: for me to give birth today, I would have had to gone in to labor yesterday.

More Than 9 Months

Why is the human gestation period 40 weeks?

Because it takes that long to convince yourself that you have to give up this:

for this:

Oh, Christmas Tree

Dear Friend,

Today I will be disecting you and cramming you in to multiple plastic tubs. I hope that you can find comfort in my frigid basement.

It is not appropriate, nor socially acceptable for us to continue on with our relationship at this time.

You have brought me much warmth and happiness, and your departure will leave not only a hole in my living room, but also a hole in my heart.

When we are reunited next November, a rugrat will tug on your branches. I will try to teach her her to be gentle and to love you as I have loved you.

Thank you for spending these last two months in our home. You have been a good friend.

Sincerely,

Just Jess

Checking In

(but not into a hospital, yet)

If you're keeping track...

I'm still pregnant.

But SO ready to get this show on the road.

Fetch Me My Cane

In my ward, I'm in the older half. By far. I might even go so far as to say that I'm in the older 25%.

A couple of weeks ago, it occured to me that I'm older than our bishop and his two counselors, our high counselor representative, the Sunday school president, the YM president, the RS president, and possibly the entire Primary presidency.

Sigh.

But I'm here to report that there is a silver lining, and that the timing couldn't be better.

I have a new visiting teacher and somehow (somehow!) she's around my mom's age. I have to say that as I'm about to deliver this puppy without my mom, sisters and girls - something I've never done before - there is something reassuring in knowing that this visiting teacher (whom I don't even know that well yet but is a grandmother and full of experience) is just down the hill (I'm serious - it's Utah - our backyards touch).

5 Days Later

Today I felt a little bit of Christmas.

Sure, it's New Year's Eve eve.

But as parents, sometimes we just get caught up in the hustle and bustle that we don't stop and 'smell the roses'.

I did stop today, without even meaning to.

We went to Kneader's for lunch, all four of us, even though it wasn't our first choice (unfortunately no one else was craving creamy pesto salad dressing from Spaghetti Factory).

We sat and ate our sandwiches.

By the fire.

With classic Christmas carols playing (by classic I mean sung by the best of them, like Judy Garland).

And to complete the scene by the fireplace with the lovely music, the snow (just for our benefit) changed to the large, puffy, slow-falling flakes.

We all paused.

And enjoyed our December 30th Christmas.

SO Over It

This morning I had a dream that I was back in high school. There were a couple of familiar faces, but not everyone was there.

I was happy to see the old 'friends', but they were NOT happy to see me, and went so far as to exclude me from many, many activities.

In the dream I was so sad, just as the real-life teenage version of me would have been all of those years ago.

When I eventually woke up, my grown-up reaction couldn't have been more opposite. Unlike some other haunting dreams, I quickly shrugged off the rejection of my former peers.

"Oh, well."

"Who needs 'em?"

Hmmmm... I wonder how different things would have been if I had developed that mentality 20 years sooner.

PS There was a lot of pink-brown influences in this dream. Even in my sleep...

Come and Gone

Look at me... I'm blogging.

Our Christmas houseguests have headed home.

The bedding has been stripped and washed.

Many towels have been washed and folded.

The fridge has been cleaned out (with the exception of the enormous pan of homemade mac-n-cheese).

The hardwood floors have been cleaned, but all it takes is for one person to walk through with their shoes on and it's all for naught.

Neither the microwave nor the garage door are working properly. Sigh

But I have to say, the nine days with James and Lynette (and their four kids) were better than I expected. They put up with my emotional state (caused by my physical state). They put up with the bitter cold and the icky smog. And they helped make our first-ever Christmas away from home special.

With their departure, is life-back-to-normal? Just temporarily. It's count-down to baby.

After our dentist appointments, OBGYN appointment, stake mutual activity, and mutual New Year's Eve party - THERE IS NO NORMAL.

It's Been a Rough Year?

A very kind person mentioned that they saw my profile picture on FB. He/she innocently commented on how much younger I looked.

That picture was taken in April. As in: 2009.

On My Best Behavior (Sort Of)

Have you ever 'pocket-dialed' anyone?

I've made fun of pocket-dialers for years. Who is careless enough to accidentally call some random person in his/her contact list?

Years ago I had a co-worker who unknowingly pocket-dialed the girl he was currently dating, all the while talking about a former girlfriend. Girl-on-the-phone heard enough to know she never wanted to see him again.

David pocket-dialed a co-worker a couple of weeks ago while we were driving. We're pretty sure her voice mail got an earful.

I thought I was above this, as I am Miss Caution.

Not so much. Thursday afternoon I 'purse-dialed' my brother. When he called back later to bring this to my attention, I had a moment of panic - did he hear me yell at the kids while on our way to the orthodontist? No, we were just chatting. And who better to pocket dial than my brother - someone who loves me unconditionally AND is one of my best friends.

As I've thought about this (sort of) close-call, I've tried to be more aware of the things I say and do. I've tried to carry on each conversation with more patience and kindness, as if there were another in the room, listening and watching.

Because as we all know: there is.

While Visions of Sugarplums Dance in Their Heads

I hate those nights when - 5 minutes after the kids are asleep - I am filled with regret. I wish that I had hugged a little tighter. Listened a little closer... and had been WAY more patient.

The Resistance

A round of applause please as I take my bow. Minutes ago, right here in my home, I held the bowl of chocolate, complete with M&Ms, Whoppers and more - I stared in to that bowl full of yumminess - but took nothing out. I placed that dish of temptation back on the highest shelf of my pantry and walked away.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

No encore today.